Chinese New Year Disaster
by snake screamer
Summary: Inspired by an incident mention by Red Witch in her stories.


"Aww man..." Archer said, "This escalated quickly."

"YOU THINK!" Brett snapped

"OW! Don't shout at my ears, Brett!" Cyril snapped "I don't wanna get tinnitus like Archer."

"Tinnitus, who gives a damn about tinnitus, were all tied up and getting ready to be shot!" Brett said

It was true, all of them was tied up on a chair and in a row.

"You know my friend were in this exact situation, well not exact, exact. They were underwater surrounded by these bizarro's and-"

"Damnit Krieger we don't have time for your insane drugged fill dream ramblings!" Mallory snapped "Now Pam which one of your hoodlums is it that are holding us?"

"Wha- why are you asking me!?"

"Cause if they were Krieger associates they be more armed with sci-fi bullcrap!" Mallory stated with a sneer

"She got you there," Ray said

"Yeah well jokes on her, I have no bloody clue who these weirdos are," Pam said

"I see, in that case Sterling what did you do to attract these nitwits."

"Oh I see, just cause I bring some of my dates here and people come hunting for me it's automatically my fault!... However after saying that I will concede one of them kinda looks familiar."

"Was it a former popeye employee." Lana deadpanned

"Nope."

"A relative of one of your 'dates'? Ray questioned

"No... there's usually more attempts at stabbing my balls if it was one of those." Archer admitted. "Gawd, I wish I can remember where I saw that guy."

"We never meet Archer!" one of the crooks walked forward with a sneer "But I recognize you from the security tapes Archer. After you killed my twin brother in Russian roulette!"

"Ohh, you're a brother of one of the Russian roulette guys!" Archer said

"You played Russian roulette?" Lana questioned

"Just one time to get out of a jam... honestly surprised that work all things considering," Archer said

"Yes unfortunate to you!" The man snapped

"Just one question, how did you find my idiots son, was it one of his floozies or the fat one Twitter account?" Mallory questioned

"We learned this place from you Mrs. Archer." The man sneered

"WHAT!? I would never blab bout the spy business- Oh wait something coming back..."

(Flashback)

 _An absinthe drunk Mallory was on the phone "I want real Chinese food for this idiot party my staff throwing, that will teach them to call me cheap! And have it be said that the reason why I went delivery is cause last time my idiot son went out for takeout he ended up in a Russian Roulette game and killed everyone! that will really grind his gears." (1)_

(Flashback)

"I don't know whether to grin that it was you that lure the bad guys here, annoyed that they realize it was me was due to you mentioning the Russian roulette thing, or find it weird that they found us like that. The odds alone would be ridiculous for the latter." Archer muttered

"I find it weird she said grind your gears. She does realize your not a robot right?" Cheryl asked

"It's an idiot you idiot!"

"Idiom. Not idiot." Pam said. "You said idiot twice."

"In Cheryl's case, she meant it both time," Archer muttered under his breath. (2)

"Shut up!" The man snapped "I am going to kill you just as how archer viciously killed my brother."

"Viciously, those guys bragged that they can handle Russian roulette and call me a baby when I had second thought about using my idea!" Archer snapped

Plus, while it is graphic, you're technically killing yourself in Russian Roulette." Ray pointed out."

"Don't care," The man stated

"Look Mr..." Cyril began to ask

"Dedfish, and if you make a fucking joke about it I will cut off your dick and force feed it to you," Dedfish growled.

"Noted." Cyril gulped "Why do you need to hold us hostage, its Archer you want and-"

"You think I don know this place reputation, you may be crappy spy agency, but your all consider enemies to alot of people, they probably paid me so much money to see your rotting stinking corpses." Dedfish sneered

"Well can't argue with you there." Archer sighed.

"Hey, boss, the door to one of these rooms is closed." A goon said

"Oh that's my lab." Krieger said "You don't wanna open it. I'm having that placed fumed."

"Fumed? for what?" Pam asked

"Uhh just fumed, no need to ask what I'm fuming for," Krieger said shiftily.

"Open that door." Dedfish snapped

"What!" Krieger shrieked "I just said I was fuming!"

"Yeah nice try, I bet you have some cool shit in there that would make my gang number 1 and you're just saying you are fuming to make them not want to go in there. Well, nothing doing!" Dedfish snapped.

"Jesus will you just do something menacing already you mucker!" Cheryl snapped

"Wha- Mucker!"

"Yeah, you're like the worst bad guys ever, your dress like a lame waiter, your not even bother wearing a mask, which is kinda a turnoff. Plus you brought 50 guys here when you needed like only 8 at best."

"I was expecting a lot more people!" Dedfish stated. "Where the hell the rest of your staff!"

"There still recovering from the new year party," Ray stated.

"It's February eight! news years was a month ago!" Dedfish said

"Trust me, if you know our history with holidays in general, you understand why there are few people here," Archer stated

"Oh and I can forgive all that, all of it if you were just more brutal!" Cheryl said

"Brutal!" They killed eight of my employees!" Mallory snapped

"Yeah, but they were faceless mooks, especially now," Cheryl said pointing to the shot Dedfish guys did. "It was just a quick shot and that it. no torture or anything, you're a real let down."

"Are you telling me you want the guys holding us captive to be more brutal!" Pam snapped

"... Kinda." Cheryl said

"Cheryl you stupid bitch, stop trying to get them to be meaner!" Archer snapped

"You're not my supervisor!"

"SHUT UP!" Dedfish snapped as he pulled a gun and aim it at Brett "Or i'll shoot this guy!"

"Meh." Cheryl stated

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN MEH!?"

"Brett got shot all the time, its kinda get boring after awhile."

"Oh yeah!" Dedfish sneered, he then shot Brett in the gut.

"AGGH! I think you hit liver!"

"Lame." Cheryl sighed

Dedfish glared annoyed as he shot brett twice.

"AGGH! You shot me in both kneecaps! WHY!"

"Hmm better, but if you could put your finger on his bullet wound, you know to make him squeal like a pig, that might be put on the list of hoodlum I might let punch me in the face."

"... What the hell wrong with her." Dedfish snapped

"Nobody knows." Pam sighed, they all then heard a loud inhuman screech. "What the heck was that!"

"Uh-oh..." Krieger gulped

"Krieger, what was it you were fuming..." Mallory growled

"Uhh... Promise not to be mad, but I decided to make something special for the holiday." Krieger vaguely stated.

"What kind of something?" Mallory questioned

"Uhh you know how you see those dragon thing operated by a group of people inside and think 'That dumb, I could make something more festive than that'," Krieger explained.

"No." everyone (Minus Dedfish, whose wondering what the hell they are talking about, and Brett who moaning on the floor due to blood loss) stated annoyed.

"Ahh, then you won't be so understanding as I hope with what you're about to see." Krieger gulped

Before anyone could a strange chimera between a dragon and a centipede burst through the wall, screaming like a derange lunatic. almost everyone shrieked in response.

"That's what you consider more festive! What were you going for? Halloween!"

"Yeah, not my best work," Krieger admitted.

"Kill it!" Dedfish shouted as all his men pointed their guns and fire bullets at the creature. It roared angrily as it unleashed fire from its mouth and set most of Dedfish goons on fire.

"FIRE! YOU GAVE IT FIRE!" Ray snapped

"Who ever heard of a dragon that can't breathe fire." Krieger snapped back.

"That's not a real dragon! that's part centipede, why did you make it part centipede!" Lana yelled angrily.

"Cause a millipede has too many legs," Krieger said. the creature then glanced in their direction. "Uh-Oh".

"Krieger order this thing to not come near us," Mallory growled

"It won't listen to me!" Why do you think I was fuming it with non-flammable gasses!" Krieger said

"Relax's, its probably go after Brett," Cheryl said snidely. "predator go after the weakest link."

"Not this one, I made him too go after not-hurt prey."

"WHY WOULD YOU CREATE IT TO BE LIKE THAT!" Cyril yelled.

"I wanna give its possible victims a fighting chance. Though in retrospect, I'm kinda regretting it now." Krieger said

"Well, that just-" Archer didn't get a chance to finish as it lunged forward and swallowed both him and Lana whole.

"AHHHH!" Everyone screamed.

"Huh, I lost all of my men, yet still technically win." Dedfish said, he then paused as the chimera look ill, "What the-"

(linebreak)

"Wow, you know I joke about the truckasaurus thing, but-"

"Finish that sentence and I will drop you!" Lana growled, She literally broke apart the rope holding her hand and currently gripping on the thing uvula in her right hand the chair holding Archer with her left. "How is this thing not throwing up. I'm gripping its uvula hard enough to kill a man."

"A) why do you want it to vomit is beyond me since were both wearing fancy clothing. B) it might be part horse."

"A) so it will get us out of this thing mouth and B) Why a horse?"

"Horses can't vomit, it's a known fact. Ask Pam if you don't believe me!" Archer snapped.

"I won't be able to ask Pam cause if we don't get out of here soon, were going to die in this thing bigger on the inside body!" Lana snapped

"Nice doctor who reference. But seriously I might have an idea, but I need to be free first." Archer said

"I can help you with that," Lana said

"Really?" Archer questioned just as Lana swung Archer in a way that hit the uvula hard enough to make Archer hit the uvula hard enough to break his chair and fall to the thing tongue rather than the esophagus. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah... the tongue broke my fall." Archer groaned. "Now swing a bit before letting go and I'll catch you!" Archer said. Lana did as she was told, (Using momentum to move the uvula back and forth before letting go. Archer stepped sideways as Lana fell to the tongue.

"You did that on purpose," Lana growled/groaned

"No shit sherlock." Archer snapped "Now step back as I get it out of here." He then pulled out a lighter

"Why do you have that?"

"I stole it from Cheryl so she wouldn't get a chance to do what she did during normal new years," Archer said. "Now if I'm right, it uses a gas like lighting system much like what was shown in the 'how to train your dragon film, and since it doesn't smell like gasoline, hat means it happen somewhere between the mouth and the throat.

Lana (Finally realizing what Archer was going to do) "Wait archer don't-" She was too late as Archer (With a shout of Fire in the hole) threw the lighter down the esophagus."

(linebreak)

Everyone gawked as the thing throat swelled with a sound of a contained explosion before swaying a bit before finally falling sideways and hitting Dedfish (Killing him on impact.

"... Well that was weird." Ray stated. they then saw the creature jaw being forced open by a soot cover Lana and Archer

"You massive asshole," Lana growled.

"Oh like your doing damage to the uvula was doing anything." Archer snarked

"Just untie the other so I can leave work early and never have to discuss this 'Chinese New Year Disaster' ever again." Lana growled

"Ohh good name!" Pam said

"I'm still dying." Brett groaned

"SHUT UP BRETT!" Everyone else snapped

 _(This story was inspired by_ Red _witch with some lines (1) (2) coming from her, so remember to give her story a read, cause they are GREAT!)_


End file.
